My Little Secret…

So, throughout the last two years of hubby and I trying for a baby, I think I have been restraining myself very well. For the longest time we didn’t talk to anyone about it. I have also refrained from buying any of the cute items I have seen when out and about. At one point, I was thinking to myself that women make “Hope Chests” for when they get married one day, why couldn’t I make a “hope chest” for when we have a family one day? Is that completely nuts?

I never made the Hope Chest and I have not purchased anything! Not one item and that’s saying a lot because those little baby Christmas dresses and little baby sweater vests with ties are adorable! And who can resist that cute little Baby Bullet food chopper? Anyone would swoon over that right?

So, now that you know I have been figthing off a serious case of Baby Fever and winning…I want to tell you that I broke down on ONE item! When Becky Higgins put out the Baby Edition for Project Life, I just could not resist any longer! So, to help myself accept the news we got about Jas this week and help bring myself back up to a place of hope, I did something that some people might judge as completely ridiculous: I made a starting page for a future baby album.

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Left side: introducing ourselves and writing a personal letter.

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Right side: Talking about what steps of the infertility process we have been through so far.

I know that I am putting myself out there for judgement and that is why I was nervous to post this, but I am actually proud of myself for doing this and that is all that should matter. On the left side of the page I wrote a letter to my “future baby” telling him/her that I have been anxiously waiting and will never give up hope. It felt like such a release to get those feelings written down! And instead of always focusing on the negative, I finally wrote about the hope and faith that I have and it brought all those good feelings to the surface.

A while ago, it dawned on me that this infertility stuff is not something that I need to be embarassed about. It is not something that I chose, it is just one of the challenges that God has presented me with. So, that is when I finally started talking to people about it and writing about it. Now that I am more comfortable being open with our struggles, I thought I could handle adding it to a scrapbook. When Becky released the Baby Edition, there are a ton of journaling prompts about the pregnancy journey and getting ready for a baby. Well, in my mind, these two years of infertility are part of our pregnancy and journey and they should absolutely be included in our baby book.

Now, I am realistic, and know that there is a possiblity we may not have our own baby and may have to adopt one day. But in that case, I would still like to include all of this in the album to tell our future family how much we really wanted to have children! I want them to know that they aren’t even here yet and we love them and would do anything for them to get here!