My Little Secret…

So, throughout the last two years of hubby and I trying for a baby, I think I have been restraining myself very well. For the longest time we didn’t talk to anyone about it. I have also refrained from buying any of the cute items I have seen when out and about. At one point, I was thinking to myself that women make “Hope Chests” for when they get married one day, why couldn’t I make a “hope chest” for when we have a family one day? Is that completely nuts?

I never made the Hope Chest and I have not purchased anything! Not one item and that’s saying a lot because those little baby Christmas dresses and little baby sweater vests with ties are adorable! And who can resist that cute little Baby Bullet food chopper? Anyone would swoon over that right?

So, now that you know I have been figthing off a serious case of Baby Fever and winning…I want to tell you that I broke down on ONE item! When Becky Higgins put out the Baby Edition for Project Life, I just could not resist any longer! So, to help myself accept the news we got about Jas this week and help bring myself back up to a place of hope, I did something that some people might judge as completely ridiculous: I made a starting page for a future baby album.

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Left side: introducing ourselves and writing a personal letter.

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Right side: Talking about what steps of the infertility process we have been through so far.

I know that I am putting myself out there for judgement and that is why I was nervous to post this, but I am actually proud of myself for doing this and that is all that should matter. On the left side of the page I wrote a letter to my “future baby” telling him/her that I have been anxiously waiting and will never give up hope. It felt like such a release to get those feelings written down! And instead of always focusing on the negative, I finally wrote about the hope and faith that I have and it brought all those good feelings to the surface.

A while ago, it dawned on me that this infertility stuff is not something that I need to be embarassed about. It is not something that I chose, it is just one of the challenges that God has presented me with. So, that is when I finally started talking to people about it and writing about it. Now that I am more comfortable being open with our struggles, I thought I could handle adding it to a scrapbook. When Becky released the Baby Edition, there are a ton of journaling prompts about the pregnancy journey and getting ready for a baby. Well, in my mind, these two years of infertility are part of our pregnancy and journey and they should absolutely be included in our baby book.

Now, I am realistic, and know that there is a possiblity we may not have our own baby and may have to adopt one day. But in that case, I would still like to include all of this in the album to tell our future family how much we really wanted to have children! I want them to know that they aren’t even here yet and we love them and would do anything for them to get here!

{Not so} Merry Christmas News.

I will keep today’s post as brief as possible, because I am feeling a little down and don’t want to drag anyone down with me. I did, however, really want to document this change in status for my hubby and I, as it is an important step.

Yesterday we got the results from Jas’ second round of testing. It turns out that even though everything is working well for me, it isn’t for him. Without getting into any graphic details, he has high volume, low count and a very low percentage of ‘guys’ moving forward the correct way. What we were told for now is that we have the option to try a couple rounds of IUI using hubby’s ‘material’ or we could try IUI with a donor. The problem with using hubby’s ‘stuff’ is that our chance of it working will be lower than a normal IUI. I believe our doctor told us that the normal chance of an IUI working was 15%…not sure how much lower is lower for us.

Here is how I am feeling:

  1. Relieved that we finally know what is wrong. After two years of just hoping nothing was wrong, but having that dark feeling in the back of our minds, it feels good to at least know the reason behind our struggles.
  2. Sad to know that our chances of having a child that is 100% both of ours is very little. Jas told me last night that “it’s hard to wrap his head around the idea that even when we have a baby, it will just be (mine), not (his).” That broke my heart into little tiny pieces. I feel so bad that he has to go through those feelings.
  3. Scared to begin the process of trying rounds of IUI. A tiny little corner of my brain was trying to stay happily unaware of reality and thought maybe it would still happen naturally for us. But the full weight of reality has set in now and I am very nervous of trying the treatments. Only the future will tell…

I swear I am still working on projects! In fact, I just finished hubby’s christmas present album (JUST IN TIME to use the Shutterfly coupon…this little Christmas Elf saved $47 on his gift!) and I will share that when I get another spare moment. I am a couple days behind on December Daily and will work on that tonight. I am also still a couple of weeks shy of being current in my PL album…but hope to finish those by the first week of January! I CANNOT wait to order my 2012 digi album!! The anticipation is killing me! I also started a special little project for myself, that when I get up the courage I will share as well!!

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season and making wonderful memories in the small moments! Take care!

Project Life Week 46

Since my job gives me four day weekends now, I have been able to get a lot of work done on Fridays for my photography business as well as many house work chores done on Saturdays. For once, I have had some free time on Sundays, which is an amazing thing!

So, yesterday I sat down at the computer very excited to get some digi scrapping done and bam-creativity block! I get so frustrated on those days every now and then when I just cannot think of anything cute to do on my pages and I end up not liking the finished products. The good thing about digi, is that I can save the PSD file and come back to it later if I want to re-do it. I ended up scrapping a little, then going to eat a snack, scrapping a little, watching a movie, scrapping a little, folding the laundry. Needless to say out of an entire day, I got VERY little scrapping done! I also chose to jump around a little bit. Currently I am not done with weeks 44 or 45, but I wanted to start with this week first when I was working yesterday. Here is what I did get to:

Week 46, left side:

Week 46, right side:

Let me interrupt my display of PL pages to tell you how much I LOVED the last Twilight movie! I think the production improved tremendously from the first one and I thought the twists at the end were shocking! Call me a Twi-nerd if you want, but I enjoyed the movie very much! I think they did a great job of making my husband and I laugh, cry, gasp… I could go on and on, but I won’t submit anyone to that!

Here is what I started to work on for Week 45 (the week of Election day and my first time voting). I just could not come up with something I liked for this page, so I decided to leave it, not finish the right side yet and move on. I also can’t decide what to do, because the right side would be the weekend we were in Vegas. I am wondering if I want to include a few extra pages in the PL album or make a separate album. Decisions…decisions…

Next thing I wanted to share today are the few December Daily pages I have created! Remember the “plan” to keep it simple and not use many embelishments? Ya, that went out the window as soon as I started shopping for digitial supplies and saw all of the cute Christmas Kits that are out! I think I spent a good $25 bucks on digi supplies for Christmas! Ooops! Well, here is what I came up with for my title page with a lot of inspiration from my Instagram friend!

And here are my first two pages without any photos yet:

For a couple of days last week, I felt very excited for Christmas to come. I saw the crafts on Pinterest, decided to do my December Daily album and hubby and I came up with our list of holiday related activities. Everything seemed like it was going to be magical again. And then this weekend my cycle started over AGAIN! I’m telling you that trying to conceive can suck the fun out of everything! Without being too much of a Debbie Downer, I just wanted to document the fact that I am not looking forward to yet another holiday without a baby. Just in case anyone else is feeling the same way, because I think many people might be going through this! I am seeing all the cute new familes at the malls and the preggo mamas going out to lunch and it’s hard to stay positive for myself. I so want to do the Christmas pajamas tradition, and watch Christmas cartoons with a little one, and do the Elf on the Shelf, and have a little person shout with excitement when we turn the Christmas lights on. There are so many little wishes in my heart and I am barely holding out hope that it will happen one day.

Alright, I think I got my point accross without completely depressing everyone! My main goal is trying to find the magic in the small moments throughout the season and really enjoying my time with my hubby and family.